love/hate

happy Good Friday everyone. i hope the day has been a reflective one and the Easter weekend ahead is a joyful celebration for you & your family!
i wanted to put a little disclaimer before you read on...especially to my male readers. (aka, my dad & pop) the following post does not contain any fun pictures. it is merely me using my blog as a forum to vent. feel free to skip this one...really. it wont hurt my feelings.

it seems i am caught in the middle of a love/hate relationship...with nursing. for me, personally, it is the most rewarding and frustrating part of having a new baby.

i really, really love nursing my babies. i love the instant bonding that comes with nursing a newborn. it's a feeling unlike any other...knowing you alone can provide everything your baby needs to survive life on the outside. i love that it forces you to sit down every few hours and take a little break to feed your little one. (especially when she is your 3rd and that may be the only time you get to sit all day) i love the convenience...especially for those middle of the night feelings. i love the portability. i mean you really can never leave home without milk for your babe. to be honest, there really isn't anything i don't like about nursing.

except for that dreaded 3 month mark when it becomes clear that what i am supplying for them is simply not enough. this is my own personal issue and has happened again for the 3rd consecutive baby. talk about frustrating. you would think by number 3 that i would be used to this by now...but no. it bums me out just as much as it did with ryan.

here's the thing...there really isn't much that i like about formula. except for the fact that it fills my baby's tummy. other than that, i draw a blank. it is expensive. i mean ridiculously expensive. it is the opposite of convenient, especially in the middle of the night. yes, it can be portable. if you have the cute little formula holder from target (which i do) but in order for it to help it has to be filled...and refilled. you also have to have a bottle and some water handy at all times. oh yes, and the bottles. don't even get me started on how big of a pain they are. you get my gist, right? formula and i are not the best of friends.

you would think by the 3rd kid that i would be used to the idea of having to give them formula. but the truth is, i struggle with the decision to supplement every single time. there are always some tears shed, special herbs swallowed, even some extra measures taken...like the prescription my pediatrician had me get on to increase my supply...just learned about that one this time around) but in the end it always comes down to doing what is best for the baby. and that always seems to be formula.

let's face it...it's no secret that i have little babies. lilly is way past the formula stage and still hovers around the 10th percentile. so any help they can get in the weight department when they are infants...i will take it.

so as much as it pains me to say it...my frienemy and i have to find a way to live in harmony once again. i made the executive decision yesterday and am now in the stage where i am trying to divulge myself of the mommy-guilt i am carrying around for not giving my baby what i know is best. what i know society views as best. i know it's crazy that i even let what strangers think affect me, bur i see nursing moms in public and feel they are judging me as i pull out my formula bottle. i know in reality they are not, but my mind wanders there. i cant help it. it only lasts for a few months...i'll be over all this by the time may is well into baby food but man is it overbearing at first.

well, thanks for listening to my little rant. you know i actually feel a little bit better. the next time someone asks "are you nursing?" i can't say it won't sting a little...but i'll remember our little talk and know that may will grow and thrive just as well as her sisters are...

disclaimer #2: after re-reading I wanted to reiterate what an extremely personal choice this is. i am in no way knocking anyone for giving formula from day one. we, as mothers always do whatever we feel is best for our babies. the way i feel about formula is my own issue. I just always wanted to nurse my babies for at least 6 months and the fact that I cannot just makes me bitter towards formula. i will sincerely hope you dovnot take offense...