dear ryan

you are sound asleep in your bed. your clothes are laid out, your lunch is in the fridge, your backpack is packed. it would seem that everything is in order for tomorrow.

yet, here i lay. wide awake. unable to turn my mind off. unwilling to stop the memory reel that's playing in my head.

here's the thing...when you wake up tomorrow morning it won't be just any friday. it won't be just any first day of school. it will be the beginning of a whole new chapter in our lives. yes, our lives...mine just as much as yours.

you see, for the past 5 1/2 years i have had the absolute pleasure of holding the most precious job in the entire world...staying home to take care of you.

from the day you came home from the hospital i have been there. to feed you, to dress you, to rock you to sleep. to teach you to walk and talk. to run and jump and play. all the while you have been teaching me as well...patience and understanding and compassion.

it has been my sole purpose for the last 5 years to mold you from an infant into a toddler then a preschooler and now the beautiful little girl, inside & out, that you are today.

(of course that wonderful daddy of yours deserves just as much credit as I do!!)

The thing about tomorrow is...it's going to be bittersweet.

On the one hand i am so very excited for you. seeing your face light up anytime we talk about kindergarten makes my heart leap. i know you are ready. i know you will love everything about it. i know you will soak up all the knowledge like a little sponge and come home and pass that knowledge on to your sisters...because that's just the kind of kid you are!

on the other hand i am just a little sad. i'm sad that i won't see you all day. i'm sad that we can no longer wake up on a tuesday and decide to spend the morning at the zoo.

i know it's selfish and unrealistic of me to want you to always stay home with me and be my little baby. that's just not how it works. of course i want you to spread your wings...i want you to learn and create and socialize.

i am just going to miss you, that's all.

on your first day of kindergarten i want you to know that your daddy and i are so very proud of you. your confidence and your enthusiasm towards this new adventure astonishes us.

i want you to know what a wonderful role model you are to your sisters. seeing you so excited about school only makes lilly's excitement grow as well.

i want you to know that if i cry tomorrow morning it's not because i'm unhappy. actually, i couldn't be happier. it's just because it's the end of my time as your stay-at-home mom....a time that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

i hope your first day of kindergarten is a day full of smiles and laughter.

love always and forever,
mom

of course, we'll always have our summers!